Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
