I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
