If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
