Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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