i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
