hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There's always time for handjobs
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
