I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
