I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
