my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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