Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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