he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
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I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
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I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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