I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My vagina is very pro this idea
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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