Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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