Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
