You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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