This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
