I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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