How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
