Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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