Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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