My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
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My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
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I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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