But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
