I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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