I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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