Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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