plz talk dirty to me
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
