I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
