nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You dont lie about slip and slides
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
