what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
