Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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