I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
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