I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
