well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
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Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?