Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar