walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
