Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
