I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
