the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
