ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
