you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
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I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
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Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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