my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
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Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
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I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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