Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
MIDGETS
????
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
