In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
