I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
