just tell him i said nine months
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
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why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
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Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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