I like my sex mixed with concussions.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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