Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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