I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
