I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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