You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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