I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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