I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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