It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
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i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
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one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!