first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
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but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
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Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
this hospital has no fireball
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped