I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
why do cheetos always look like penises
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
