I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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