I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
