Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
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