Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
zippers are such a cool invention
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
