Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
