Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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