did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
