Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
