i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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